Remember Me
by fallen for your eyes
Summary: She lost Severus, and Petunia, and her parents to the stupid drunk driver, and Marlene can't walk anymore, and so many of her friends had died and now, she's losing James. Because he doesn't remember her.


His blood is on her hands. She feels it dripping over her fingers, staining her jeans, puddling in her shoes.

And there is nothing she can do about it.

"Lily get him out of here!" Sirius screams, sending another spell at the death eater in front of him. She's crying so hard she can barely see where she is going but she wraps her around him, around James, and dissapparates.

The nurse is already waiting at the side door of St. Mungo's and someone is pulling James from her arms, but she grabs his hand.

"Stay with me James. Please. You can't leave me." She begs. His hand is gently pried from hers and he disappears around the corner.

Lily lets herself break down. She can't see him anymore. Someone is attending to the splices on her arms, but she doesn't care. James is dying, bloody hell, for all she knows he is dead, and it's her fault.

She hears another pop behind her, and two arms wrap around her, and she lets herself fall into Remus.

"Shh, it's okay Lily. They're gone. They're gone."

She wants to tell him it's her fault. That James was like this because Lily wasn't paying attention - she was too busy watching Severus trying to kill her friends - and he had jumped in front of spell to protect her. But she can't.

Lily doesn't know how to tell him his best friend might die because she couldn't get her emotions in order.

"He's going to be okay." Remus kisses her hair, trying to be comforting, but it reminds her so much of James, it makes it even worse.

xXx

She isn't allowed to see him.

Sirius says it's for the best.

"You need to be focused Lily." The way he speaks to her, she feels like he knows. "You're no use to him here."

Remus stares at the floor of St. Mungo's his hands clasped, his brow furrowed. "He's right Evans. You are one of our top operatives. You being distracted won't help anyone."

Lily is still wearing the same clothes, except now James's blood is dried on her jeans, under her nails.

"I just want to know if he's awake. I just need to know if he's okay, and then I will do whatever the hell you want me too." She pushes the tears away from her eyes. She's past the point of sadness. She's angry. Angry at herself for letting it happen. Angry for not getting him to St. Mungo's sooner, angry that no one will tell her if her boyfriend's okay.

"Mrs. Potter?" The nurse walks out and Lily nearly doubles over. They always tell the hospital they are married so they can see each other. Lily doesn't even know if they can even think about it anymore. She feels like she's been punched in the gut but she stumbles forward, Remus and Sirius supporting her on both sides.

"James is going to be okay. He's stable but we don't know the extent of the damage, but he's okay. He's sleeping but you can see him now if you want."

"Thank you." She manages to say, before crumbling to the ground, her knees giving out.

"Merlin, Lily!" Remus scoops her up and she catches the look he shares with Sirius before they dissapparate back to the order.

Remus put hers to sleep, slipping her a sleep potion before he leaves.

Lily falls asleep, the tears still falling from her eyes.

xXx

"You shouldn't go in there." Remus's hands are on his arms, and he's physically pushing her away from the door.

"Excuse me?"

She had waited three weeks. She threw herself into her missions, she slept at Mary's, she tried to not think about James.

All she thought about was James.

"What do you mean I shouldn't go in there. It been three weeks Lupin! I've done what you said, now I'm going to see Potter or so help me God I will hex you so hard that you end up sitting next to him."

Remus glances at Peter, and shrugs taking his hands off her and holding them up in surrender. "We warned you Lily. Don't forget that."

She pushes through the doors and her heart falls through her stomach. He's awake. He laughing.

He's okay.

Sirius spots her first, His smile turns into a frown, but he's not angry. He's sad. "Lily don't- "

"I asked her out mate! The hot nurse, Shannon! She said yes and she kissed me! Padfoot I'm telling you the hospital is the best place to pick up girls." James stops talking and turns to her, and for a second the world is okay. She's too busy looking at him to think about what he's saying. He looks fine. Hell, he looks better than fine he looks beautiful, unharmed and-

"Jesus, it must of have been really bad if Lily Evans shows up to pay her respects. How much did you boys have to promise her?" He's expecting a laugh, she can tell, but she can't process anything. He doesn't remember.

He doesn't remember them.

"Lads?" James asks. Sirius says her name but she runs, runs as fast as she can, as far as she can. She hears them calling after her, but she ignores them until she's somewhere, anywhere that isn't there.

xXx

Lily ends up at the graveyard.

She hadn't been to it since the day of her parent's funerals, but she doesn't feel like going anywhere else.

She lost so much. The tears hit her mother's gravestone, and she tries to tell them about her life, but it only makes everything so much worse.

She lost Severus, and Petunia, and her parents to the stupid drunk driver, and Marlene can't walk anymore, and so many of her friends had died and now, she's losing James. Because he doesn't remember her.

Lily doesn't run. She never has. She's always the one to stand up to what's facing her, to keep her chin up, to finish the mission. It kills her to be running now. But she doesn't know what else to do. Facing her problem would require hurting someone, hurting James. And she can't bring herself to do that.

"We've been looking everywhere for you Lily." Mary falls down next to her, and pulls her into a hug. Lily can't cry anymore.

She's all cried out. She stands and links her arm with Mary.

"I think it's time that I go home."

xXx

Three months.

It takes three months for the order to disband the death eaters. Three months to get Voldemort alone, three months for them to find out about the horcrux's and how they would have to let Voldemort live, but they do it. They stop him. They lock him up in a place worse than Azkaban, and they set up a team to go after the horcrux's so they can stop him for real.

It takes three months.

James joins the order again, after a month in St. Mungo's. He's perfectly fine, except for the fact that he forgets the two last years. He doesn't remember some spells, he has to learn what happened to Marlene all over again, he doesn't talk to Lily.

Remus says it's something how about 2 years ago, before they got together, they stopped talking. Lily remembers, but it doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't make listening to him talk about Shannon and how they are thinking of getting a cat, or make it any easier to not scream for him when she gets hit by the crucio curse during the last battle.

Three months and they haven't spoken, but Voldemort is stopped and everyone can go back to normal life.

Lily Evans doesn't know normal. She has always been the odd one out, the one going somewhere else. She never had a plan for what happened after the war.

She just always though it would include James.

But, Lily likes her life. She has a cat. Lots of tea. She helps the Ministry with muggle born protection, she had dinner with Marlene, Mary and Dorcas, she helps Alice and Frank with their wedding.

Every time she sees James, it hurts. Like it hurt when they were in Hogwarts, but multiplied, because she knows what it is like to be loved by him. James, with his new life, and his new apartment, with his new girlfriend, without her.

Lily still loves him. She knows that. She knows she will never stop loving him. So instead, she drinks her tea and plays with her cat and reads all the books she can, and tries to move on. Because it's the only thing she can do.

xXx

The vase full of flowers crashes to the floor. Gerald hears someone at the door. His first instinct is to kick the vase.

"Shh!" Lily scolds him, as she reaches for her wand. She reminds herself all of the death eaters are gone.

She wishes it was a death eater.

"Potter! What are you doing? It's 3 in the morning?"

His hair is a mess and he's in his pajamas. The pajamas she bought him for Christmas. Lily swallows hard and motions for him to come inside

"Evans?" He's confused. She can read it all over his face.

"Yes James. You came to my apartment, its logical that I would be in it."

"I didn't know this was your apartment."

Lily pushes him down onto the couch and starts the kettle boiling.

"Did you sleep walk?" She asks. She pulls on a sweatshirt; too late she realizes it was his.

"I had a nightmare. So I took a walk. And I walked here. I don't know why." His eyes fall onto her, and something clicks.

It happens in slow motion.

"Oh my god." He tries to stand, but he stumbles. Lily catches him and forces him to sit.

"James, calm down." She moves to take a step back, but his hand catches her wrist, and he pulls her toward him.

"Lily." He cups her face, his eyes searching her, like she has the answers, and she wants to, she wants to be able to tell him everything but she can't.

She can't even tell him how much she's missed him, because he isn't hers anymore.

"Lily, what happened?" His hands shake on her cheek. She squeezes her eyes shut, and for a second, pretends it's okay. James is okay. He remembers. He remembers her.

"You can't be here James. Shannon will be worried sick."

His face contorts again, and his body sags. "Lily what have I done?"

She refuses to cry. She helps him to the door and pushes him out, as gently as she can. He's lost, and confused.

He's not hers.

"Go home James." She shuts the door, and falls to the ground, letting the stupid tears fall. Lily thought she had no more tears to cry.

She was wrong.

xXx

Lily ignores him. He owls, he pops up at Mary's, he even tried to feed Gerald so he can get inside. But she ignores him.

She doesn't want to be the girl who splits up James and Shannon. Sirius had said they were good for each other. They made each other happy.

Lily loved – loves – him but she also knows what it's like to lose him. James and Shannon are together in times of peace. It a completely different situation than the one she and James were in.

They were constantly running, hands intertwined wands, positioned, hexes on their lips. They held onto each other because they were afraid of losing everyone else.

James learned to love Shannon in the way people are supposed to fall in love. So Lily ignored him, because she wanted what was best for him.

"Lily, he's losing his mind. It's like we're 13 again. Evans I can't handle it!" Remus slams his cup of tea down on her table. "You see these bags under my eyes Lily! The full moon isn't for another 2 weeks! This is all James." He sighs and picks his tea up again. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to yell. It's just- "

Sirius glares at him, and Remus stops talking.

"He doesn't need me anymore. Shannon doesn't need to lose him. You said so yourself, she's good for him." Lily picks up her tea and curls herself up on the seat, not looking at the boys.

Remus elbows Sirius and he groans. "Evans I said that because I wanted to help you move on. You needed to know he was okay, so I said that so you would think he was. Shannon's a nice enough person, but Lily," He moves forward and grabs her hand. "Lily she's not you."

"I'm not going to ruin a relationship."

"He knew." Remus says, quietly, more to his tea cup than to anyone else.

"What?"

"That he was forgetting you."

Lily stays quiet, until Sirius sighs and pushes Remus.

"He walked out of the flat with his wand in his hand and everything else and he'd ask what he was forgetting. His left hand was always searching his pocket because he's not holding onto you. It was a matter of time before he remembered."

"Remus." She sighs. Something in the kitchen dings, and Lily almost cries in relief. She waves her wand and a plate of chocolate chip cookies fly in and she steers the conversation away from her and James and onto Remus's teaching job.

"Lily," Remus whispers into her ear as he's leaving, his hug nearly crushing her. "Just talk to him. You can just be friends. He needs you."

She sighs and pushes him away, blowing both of them as kiss as they leave.

xXx

"Miss. Evans, there is a man here to see you." The secretary at the ministry says into the intercom. Lily looks around the room, the other muggle born administrators glancing at their day books.

"Shall I put him in the conference room?"

Mary catches Lily's eye and shrugs. "Yes. I'll be there in a minute!"

She notices his hair first, a hurricane of dark hair clashing against the beige of the walls.

James potter is sitting in her conference room, dressed in his best suit, a package of flowers in his hands.

"Don't run away!" He holds his hands out, the flowers almost falling to the floor. "Please, I just want to talk."

Lily eyes him as she sits, gesturing to him to take a seat. "Nice suit."

He smiles, the stupid smile that nearly splits his face, and Lily feels her heart twist in her chest.

"Thanks! I've got an interview with Puddlemere in a few hours. I thought I could stop by here first so we could talk." The smile slips from his face for a second. "Because you've been ignoring me."

"I- "She starts but she can't find the words.

"I- "James drops the flowers on the table and runs his hands through his hair. "Lily I love you. I've loved since I was 11 years old and then somehow, you gave me a chance. A chance to be yours. And then, I forgot. Somehow I forgot about the best thing that ever happened to me, and I went somewhere, to someone else. But I remembered Lily. I remembered our shitty little flat, and I remembered waking up to you in the morning and Merlin Lily, I never stopped loving you!"

"James- "

"Please don't tell me it's because of Shannon. I broke up with her, because I remembered you, I remembered us. She knew it, Lily. She said as soon as I remembered, she knew I was going to go back to you. She told me to come back to you." He moves forward, but Lily steps backs, needing the distance between them so she can think straight.

"I watched you fall in love with someone else." She hates how quite her voice sounds. She hates how she wants to cry because of him. She hates the stupid war that nearly took him from her, and she hates how she still loves him even though he forgot her.

"And I hate myself so much for it. Lily please. Let me show you."

"Excuse me?"

He grabs the flowers and holds out his hand.

"I have work Potter!"

"Take a sick day. "His eyes fall onto hers and her knees nearly buckle. "For me. Just this once."

She stares up at him, his eyes sparkling like the first night he kissed her and she makes her choice.

xXx

"Alright stand here."

She studies him as he runs around the flat, dropping the flowers into a vase, grabbing Gerald from the cupboard, before standing in front of her.

His hair is longer, the edges cut haphazardly, his glasses are nearly as crooked as his smile, and she has the urge to kiss him and his ripped tie.

"6 months ago I made a decision. A decision that was derailed by stupidity. So, its six months late, and I don't expect the answer to be the same but- "

He reaches into the couch, and pulls out a box. A small box. A box much too small to be anything other than what Lily fears it is.

James Potter falls to one knee in front of her, and she does the only thing she can think of.

James stares at the spot where she was, the pops of her leaving the only sound left in the house.

xXx

The girls stare at her, eyes wide and glasses nearly empty.

"You ran? From your own apartment?" Marlene asks. Lily feels her cheeks heat up, and magically refills her glass.

"He had a ring box. And he was on his knee. We haven't spoken in nearly 7 months and suddenly he wants to marry me?"

"Not suddenly." Dorcas says, over a hiccup. "He bought that ring, before. He wanted to marry you before."

"It's different now."

"You don't love him anymore?" Mary offers.

"No! I mean, there was a war, but now- "

"You're afraid he won't love you." Marlene reaches forward and grabs Lily's hand. "He will."

"It's not like he had to learn to love you again Lily. He already does. Now he just wants the chance to do it again." Dorcas grabs her other hand, and Mary launches herself forward, wrapping herself around Lily.

"You don't have to talk to him if you don't want to." Mary says. "I'll support you either way."

Someone calls for more alcohol, and Mary starts gushing about the cute guy she met in the magical enforcement office, and Lily can pretend that everything is okay. She's just a girl sitting with her girlfriends, talking about cute people and drinking too much. She can pretend she isn't someone who went through a war, who is afraid to sleep at night because of the nightmares, who's biggest problem is worrying about the guy she loves proposing to her.

"Wait, do you think he will still be there when you get home?"

They laugh, because they are drunk, and because, for the night, they are all pretending.

xXx

In the end, it's Remus, because it is always Remus.

He shows up and sticks his foot between the door and Lily, in case she tries to shut it in his face.

"I brought chocolate," He says, holding up his hands. "And that movie you really like."

Lily opens the door a little wider and he smiles, pulling open his jacket as he walks in. "I also brought the strongest muggle whiskey I could find in case the movie and chocolate didn't work." He drops his items onto her counter, and pops the movie into her T.V.

She eyes him carefully, before placing herself on the couch, a good distance away from her.

"Oh, my god, Lily," Remus reaches over and pulls her flush against him. "From what I remember, you said this movie is a tear jerker, so I need a cuddle buddy."

She relaxes against him, and he pulls her even closer. Lily lets herself think for a moment, how it would have been easier to fall in love with anyone else. Remus is warm against her, his hand is linked with hers, and he falls asleep half way through the movie. She almost wishes she fell in love with Remus, but the second she thinks it, everything feels wrong.

He's too warm, his hand suddenly feels to big, and he doesn't snore. His socks actually match, and his sweatshirt actually fits him, and Lily misses James.

She lets the realization wash over her and reaches down into the couch, her hands closing around the stupid box. She almost laughs, because of course James put it back, because he knew that she would eventually check.

The box feels heavier than it is in her hand. She opens it, and almost drops it. She recognizes his mother's diamond immediately, set in a new band, and she snaps the box shut. Remus jumps, grabbing his wand as he wakes up, but Lily stops him.

"It's okay. It was me."

Remus sighs and falls back down onto the couch, his eyes catching the box in her hands. "Did you check the inscription?" he yawns and falls back asleep.

Lily opens the box again and pulls the ring out, turning it towards the light so she can see the words written inside.

 _Yours._

Lily puts the box back inside the couch, tucks Remus in, and makes her way to James.

xXx

He's wearing a Puddlemere shirt when he opens the door. His glasses are missing, and his hair is three times larger than usual, but when he sees her, he smiles.

"Lil." He sighs, and motions her in. She can see he wants to hug her, but he keeps his hands at his side.

"Are you playing for them now?" She asks, pulling her hands out of her pockets, to gesture at his shirt.

"I find out tomorrow." He glances at his watch. "Today. Merlin, Lily, it's 3 am. Is everything okay?" His eyes drop to her hand, and he pales.

Lily drops to her knee and holds her left hand up to him. "I've come to a conclusion." She grabs his hand and bites her lip. "If you'll have me."

He pulls her up and presses his lips against hers, and Lily soars. She loves him, she's loved him for even longer than she allowed herself to know. He pulls back and rests his forehead against hers, his lips kissing hers every few seconds.

"I've missed you. Even when I didn't remember I had a you to miss."

Lily twists her fingers into his hair and pulls his mouth closer to hers. "Let's never miss each other again."


End file.
